A few weeks ago I was asked to read a poem in English from the liturgy during the Erev Shabbat (Friday night) service. I felt honored and was happy to oblige. Yesterday it turned out differently. I was asked to read the Hatzi Kaddish in Hebrew. I went into shock and couldn’t even response. The service leader noticed my hesitation fast and offered that I can say no if I wan to. I did, and somebody else read the passage then. But the episode made me think about what happened. The text was in Hebrew, and I think I could have read it fast enough, even if it would have been slower, then some of the more experienced people’s recitation. Furthermore its transliteration was right next to it, so I could have just “faked” it. But I didn’t for three reasons. The first, most obvious and most difficult to explain is that it is not in my blood. I was not brought up with/in the tradition. My approach/attitude towards religion therefore is more intellectual than emotional. No matter how often I go and how long it always feels a bit outside me. The last 9 years I rarely attended services. Now I do at least once a week. I am happy that I do. I enjoy them and they provide me with strengths, positive and calming experiences. But it is still different from those who went to shul every week throughout their lives.A second more practical reason is that I am not familiar enough with the liturgical aspects. Even if I can read the text, I do not know where to stop, where to let the congregation say “Amen”. If movement is needed I wouldn’t know for sure when and what to perform. Not to mention if the piece needs to chanted or sang I would fail miserably. As long as I am following somebody or everybody I can do that. And slowly I am getting more and more familiar with most of the prayers. I am just not there yet.
Finally I have issues with the text of the prayers. When I am following others I have the option not to pray/say the ones I cannot agree wholeheartedly with. When/if I am leading I obviously have no option. While I am slowly acknowledging a “power larger than me” I cannot always say these (the Hatzi Kaddish’s) words from my heart:
[i”>Let the glory of G-d be extolled, let G-d’s great name be hallowed in the world whose creation G-d willed. May G-d rule in our own day, in our own lives, and in the life of all Israel, and let us say: Amen. Let G-d’s great name be praised for ever and ever. Beyond all praises, songs, and adorations that we can utter is the Holy One, the Blessed One, whom we glorify, honor and exalt. And let us say: Amen.
Sometimes I am at peace with this piece, but other times I rebel against it. How could I be this submissive to a god that allowed and allows evil to happen. At best it is a dynamic relationship between me, G-d, and the text of the prayer. In this particular round we all lost. But it is not the last round.
BS”D
You say so about Hashem because you see only one part of the picture. If you learned more of what we know about the blessed Creator, you would see that He is only true good. He created this world for you. He gives you air, food, shelter. He gives you free will and free choice. He gives you intellectual capabilities. And He gives you precepts by which you will gain the reward of eternal happiness, which is the everlasting closeness to Him.
I do not think we could ask for more. Unless you want full happiness here in this world and nothing in the world to come…