Late last week I got an inquiry from the director of the University Religious Center (where I go for the interfaith devotions Wednesday nights) asking whether I would be interested on being on the panel of a conference about “Spirituality & Leadership.” (PDF brochure) My first reactions were surprise and excitement. I was surprised because this invitation implied that I am a leader. That was news for me. Somehow I managed to create a self-image that negated that. My first step was to check in with the executive director of Hillel, who was also involved in the planning. I wanted to get his opinion on me going to this event. He surprised me as well, when told me that I am more of a leader than I think I am. When I had put in the words that I am certainly doing more than 95% of the people frequenting Hillel it made some sense. He also added that I would naturally represent myself, so no problem on his end. I also wanted to check with him that it’s OK if I go and not a Hillel representative. His response was that even/if the Hillel student director could go she’d probably represent herself and not Hillel. The event organizers defined leaders as anybody who influences anybody else. For my taste it is a bit vague, because it is true for every social interaction. But that’s where we started off. The panel included Rev. Norm Freeman (UCSB chaplain), Pattie Forge (URC director), 3 students of the Baha’i faith and myself. When I realized that on the panel we had only one female and 4 males I voiced my discomfort and that’s why the third, female Baha’i student joined us on the spot. The audience consisted about 20 people, most of them UCSB student and a few from Westmont College, a Christian Liberal Arts College from Santa Barbara.We had about 45 minutes. As I answered the first few questions to some extent then I decided to be a bit more quite and give space for the others. By now, a week later I don’t recall the exact questions, but I know that the general atmosphere was pleasant and informative. I think we covered well enough the official description of the session:
“Join this panel discussion with student leaders and clergy from a range of faiths about meeting the challenges of maintaining faith and values in the midst of student culture. We’ll discuss peer pressure and dealing with conflicts between one’s faith and society.”
One participant mentioned the challenge to live in Isla Vista amidst the party culture. In my reply I pointed out that you have choices, e.g. I chose not to live there, because it would have provided a distraction for me and I wanted to focus on my studies. One of the Westmont ladies replied that she, being a Christian, wants to go where the problem, sin is and spread the good news there. To which I didn’t reply, because it didn’t feel that important for me, but I understood of course her faith driven choice. She also mentioned that one way for her to maintain her values is not to dress to revealing. To which I said, that on the other hand my responsibility, being a male, is not to stare even if somebody does dress provocatively but try to understand and respect the person and look for the “inner beauty”. I know that is sounds a cliché and I don’t always succeed, but there and then this statement was met with positive feedback.
A female student, sitting in the first row, was wearing some rather revealing dress. Towards the end of the session, but I think prompted by the earlier comments she supplied us with a mini-monolog. We learned that she went to Catholic school all her life and UCSB was a big challenge for her. She is not used to go to school with boys. More interestingly as she attended services all her life it was natural for her. But here it is not part of the generic student culture and she had to make the efforts to go to mess. It is only here that she realized how important it was for her. Clearly she was gaining and creating her own identity and meanwhile she has to try a few dresses on.
Another young woman shared her experiences about the reaction she gets when she tells her friends that she is in the process of converting to Catholicism. She gets immediate respect and sometimes malice. Yet somebody else asked the engineering (Baha’i) student on the panel how he manages to do all his studies and practice the faith. His answer was clear that if there is a time management conflict he puts his faith ahead. I wanted to add to it but I didn’t that I always be a Jew, although my occupation and the way I spend my time did and will change over my life.
Overall it was an empowering experience for me. I realized that I could be articulate on a subject I didn’t pay much conscious attention in the past. I could “perform” in a somewhat unfamiliar setting. I think I impressed some students a bit more than I wanted to. They kept referring to me as “Mr. Por.” It might have to do that I had a nice shirt and nice kippa on. Or my age, although I shaved that day and that makes me look younger. Or the most positive possibility that I just had a respectable radiation.
After the event I had a chance to think about leadership and me. What I realized is that I was brought up in a system where leadership was not legitimate and authentic. You cannot respect leaders from the heart who ask you to parade in front of their huge pictures. I am talking about the political leaders of the communist system. I was not overtly political at the time, or even too rebellious. But it was engrained into all of our veins that the system is not right. They had power, but not much respect. And the wealth distribution was undemocratic too. What I am trying to say that my dislike for leadership in general had a good reason: the disconnect between those who I could respect (teachers, friends, independent spirits, family members) and the nominal leaders. Therefore it was evident that a leadership position is not desirable. It is not something you want to strife for. And just now, 16 years later, do I start to accept what my aptitude tests and some past experience show: I could be a good leader of a certain kind. I have organizational skills, a drive for seeing the big(ger) picture and respect for people. Under the right circumstances and right goals I will put it to the right use. I just need to find that. I am in no rush though. Leadership in itself is still not a goal for me. Having a positive effect is.